I used to believe that falling in love came after you started to love someone. In my head, the stages were as follow: physical attraction or emotional attraction (whichever came first), loving, and falling in love. I didn’t think these steps could be reordered. And then I met… let’s call him “Pierre”.
Traveling with my best friend, I expected to meet and be attracted to one or two French guys. I just didn’t expect to fall in love with one within two days. I actually refer to him as one of my soulmates in conversations. As I tried to wrap my head around this, I was told by a friend, “Anyone can fall in love. It’s the loving that comes after you get to know them.”
So, did I have it all mixed up? I must have, because here I was crying over loosing someone I never truly had. In its own way — it was more devastating than loosing someone I actually got to know. It’s the whole “what could’ve been.”
My best friend and I had two days and three nights left on our mini-vacation. As you do while traveling in the South of France, we went out almost every single night. Eventually, we ended up at a bar we had visited during our first week.
It wasn’t anything like in the movies. We didn’t make eye contact and got lost looking in each other’s eyes. It was gradual. We somehow struck up a conversation with him and his friend. I’m pretty sure I annoyed him at some point. But we eventually got along and stuck with each other for the rest of the night. I knew I liked him when he didn’t tease me about disliking beer or when I complained about having to pay to use a public restroom.
We made plans to hang out the next day and night. I wanted to spend whatever time I had left with him. I anticipated I would develop a major crush on him at the most. The kind of crush you’d bring up in your sixties as you’re reminiscing with your friends about your younger self and your old adventures.
We met up the next night and had an incredible time as I expected. An incredible time documented on my snap. Which, if I’m being honest, I still rummage through a year later.
He told me he couldn’t take time off the next night to see me. I didn’t realize I was tearing up until he reached to wipe off a single tear. I felt foolish. Why was I crying over this? It’s not like I love this man — I might be in love with… oh. Why couldn’t we have met two weeks ago. We could’ve had more time. So many could haves.
I was too scared to ask if he was as heartbroken as I was. But it turned out I didn’t have to ask. “This might sound crazy, but I think I’m already in love with you,” he told me the next morning. Confirming that he felt the same way, I felt a tightening in my chest. Part of me had hoped it was just me. Knowing that the feelings were reciprocated made the whole situation more devastating.
I wasn’t sure if I had the right to grieve this loss. It took me a while to allow myself the usual breakup grieving process. I contemplated unfollowing him as some of my friends do with their exes, but that was never my thing. Instead, I looked through our numbered memories on my camera roll. And that evolved into looking through his Instagram. I allowed myself one day — I cried, I laughed through tears, I brought him up with my best friend, and then I accepted that two days were better than none.
So, yes, apparently it’s possible to fall in love before loving someone. And we’re just as owed to grieve the loss of an “almost relationship” as we are to a relationship that actually existed. It sounds crazy to think that a person can actually fall in love in such a short period of time. But, there are different levels of falling in love. I think mine was a minor one. I knew, if we had met on my first night, I would’ve grown to love him.
When a relationship is over before you can develop any negative feelings, you’re not sure how to move on. How can you possibly get any closure if you didn’t know the person well enough to dislike them. If the relationship had time to actually exist and grow, you get the chance to develop these little pet peeves. All I had left were happy memories of our time together. Nothing to hate.
Other people may not understand your need to find closure or to grieve. But it’s completely justified. No one else can understand your feelings or your loss. So it’s okay to go through your process the way you need to. If you have to unfollow the person to find that closure you’re looking for, unfollow them. And if your process includes going through pictures of your time together and through their Instagram feed — do it. Allow yourself the time to move on.
Images by Natalia Sobolivska, Kinga Cichewicz, John Jason, and Jon Tyson from Unsplash.
