Dating has changed forms quite often over the years. It used to be first dates that led to marriage or family members arranging your marriage. As generations and cultures changed, dating became more of a ritual that can last for years before a marriage proposal is made. Some people met through personal ads in the newspaper, and then the internet happened. You can say that “You’ve Got Mail” was one of the first forums for online dating. There were matching services long before that, but they all required questionnaires and they picked your match for you. Today, you get to pick your own matches by swiping “right” based on a person’s bio and picture. Online dating has never been easier or more readily available. That is not to say that everyone who uses online dating platforms is looking for a relationship.
Sugar baby and sugar daddy/mommy websites mostly fit into that category. Its users are not necessarily looking for a long term relationship. Instead, the sugar daddies and sugar mommies are, usually, looking for companionship and are willing to “pay” for it through monthly allowances or gifts. Companionship does not always translate to sex. Sugar daddies and sugar mommies tend to be older than sugar babies, and they’re wealthy. They might choose to use these types of dating platforms, because they don’t have time to regularly date.
On the other hand, sugar babies are usually college-aged students who need help with tuition and expenses. They might choose to enter into non-sexual or sexual companionships with sugar daddies or mommies. Many sugar babies consider their “arrangements” to be like regular relationships, with certain differences.
“Francesca” is a 25 year-old graduate school student who enjoys taking dancing lessons in her free time. She chose to become a sugar baby when she first moved cities and needed help with expenses and tuition. She agreed to share her personal experience in order to portray what “sugaring” is like for some sugar babies.
Why don’t you start by telling us a little bit about yourself?
“I’m 25 years old and I’m a sugar baby [laughs]. I moved to [location omitted] three years ago [for] grad school. And my main income came from being a sugar baby.”
When did you decide to start being a sugar baby?
“So I took two years off after undergrad. I didn’t have enough money to pay for grad school [and] my living expenses. I used [my] savings for moving and rent while looking for a full-time job. The plan was to work during my gap years [and] save up for school, but I realized that was not gonna be possible. And then one night, my housemate was joking and [she] said, “Just go be a sugar baby.” It was a joke, but that night I thought to myself, I can do that for a year or two. I just had to be smart with my savings.
I signed up on [website omitted]. It took me over a week to actually become active. I didn’t know what pictures to use [or] what to write. I finally took the leap and I started getting a lot of messages. I did some research to see which messages I should reply to. I didn’t want to waste my time on someone who was not being serious.”
Are you currently a sugar baby?
“Yes and no. I’m actually in a committed relationship with a man I met outside of [website omitted].”
How many relationships have you been in as a sugar baby and how long do they usually last?
“Four in total and the lengths varied. My shortest [one] lasted exactly one month. Two of them were about six months [each]. And the longest [one] is coming up on a year, but I don’t consider this one to be a sugar baby relationship anymore.”
Is it common to have more than one sugar daddy?
“For me, no. I never “dated” more than one guy at a time. It’s hard dedicating my time to one guy, I don’t think I can date more than one at a time. We both have to figure out how to work around our schedules to make time for each other. But I think it’s common for other sugar babies to have more than one sugar daddy at a time.”
On average, how much did you make? You can answer in terms of monthly earnings if that simplifies it.
“It was different with each one. The first one I met, I ended up dating him for one month and he gave me $2500 a week. Plus, gifts every time we met up. So three [to] four gifts a week. And when we broke up, he transferred me $15,000. He knew I was trying to save [up] enough money for school and he wanted to help me with that.
The second [man] paid my rent and he gave $1300 a week. We met up on weekends for dinner and shopping.
The third man was the most generous of the three. He wanted to meet at my place, so he rented me a one-bedroom apartment downtown. And even though we broke things off after six months, he actually prepaid the rent for [another] six months. We had dinner every night. Usually at a restaurant, but sometimes he’d cook. I’m not much of a cook [laughs]. I didn’t really have a weekly allowance from him, because he paid for everything that I needed: groceries, all the bills, gym memberships, shopping trips, and vacations. Things ended on good terms [and] he even helped me get a paid internship afterwards.
The man I’m currently with is different than all of my [previous] relationships. I met him at a hotel bar. I don’t want to share the exact details, but it started off with a weekly allowance. And about a month later, he asked me if I wanted to get serious. I said yes, and it became more of him helping me pay [for my] expenses and paying for our dates. I didn’t really need money for anything else. I had designer clothes from my previous relationships and my savings account was decent. After five months, I moved in with him. He pays for all the bills and school. The money I make from work is mine and it just goes towards my savings or food when I’m out with friends.”
Were there any major changes in your lifestyle?
“I was making more money than ever. And I didn’t have to worry about my bills with some of them. I was finally comfortable and not worried. [pauses] I didn’t really spend any money on designer clothes, all of my designer clothes were gifts from them.
I started doing this to help with grad school, so I knew I had to put most of the money towards my savings.”
Do you consider “sugaring” a type of sex work?
“Personally, no. But, I know some people do. They don’t understand that these relationships can be like regular girlfriend-boyfriend relationships. For me, it was never like ‘I expect you to pay me this much for sex’. I’m providing my time and companionship. It’s not about the sex. [pauses] It’s more than that. And honestly, sex work should be legal.”
I completely agree with that. If sex workers had a platform, that provided background checks, then the level and fear of violence would decrease. Do you or did you, personally, have any safety concerns?
“At first, for sure. But, by my second relationship, I figured things out. I mean, you never know if they’re lying about who they are or what they want out of it. Plus, I was worried about STDs if sex was involved.”
What sort of precautions did you take?
“I used to tell my housemate, ‘I’m going out on a date and we’re going to this place.’ By my second relationship, I told her what I was really doing. So I would always drop a pin to her and send her his picture. I invested in pepper spray and this safety app. But I never met up with anyone who wasn’t who he said he was. I always looked them up and did my own background check on them. And I talked to them for a week before actually going out on a date.”
You mentioned that you were, also, worried about sexually transmitted diseases. Did you take any steps to lower your risk?
“Yes, I got tested every time a relationship ended and again before I started a new one. And I asked them to provide their test results [too]. The number one thing for me [is that] we need to use condoms, no exceptions. I never have more than one sexual partner at a time, so I did ask the same [from them].”
How do you communicate your expectations with your potential clients?
“I do it before the first date, over the phone. And if we agree [on an arrangement], we go out for dinner and see if we’re attracted to one another. I prefer to discuss allowances on the phone, [because] I don’t want anyone to overhear at a restaurant.”
Does the question of whether sexual intercourse will be a part of the arrangement come up during those calls or later on?
“[sighs] I’m very upfront with them. Basically, if we’re both physically attracted to each other, then yes. But it’s never like, ‘my allowance will cover date nights and sex.’ I’m not exchanging sex for money. Even though some people see it that way.”
How about them? How do they communicate their expectations?
“So I always increase my allowance when we’re ‘negotiating’, in case they want to bring it down. And this only happened one time, with the second guy. He was honest with me [about why] he couldn’t pay me as much as I was asking and I appreciated it [his honesty]. The other men just accepted what I was asking for and they were honest about what they were looking for. Basically how many dates each week, if I can reach out to them first, if they expect anything physical, and what they’re looking for in the long run.”
Is it difficult managing your relationships and your other obligations?
“Well, when I started, I was not in school. Basically, I scheduled date nights first and then everything else after. And when I started grad school, I had to make sure I made time for class work.
I don’t really have a social life or go out that often, so that was not a problem for me. Being in a committed relationship right now works well with my school schedule. During the day, I’m at school or work, and he works from 7am to like 7pm. Then, when I get off, I get my assignments done and anything else that needs to be done. That way we have the nights and weekend to be with each other. [pauses] It really works out for me and him, because I want to do my own thing on my time and he is not exactly into the whole clingy thing [laughs].”
Are you open about being a sugar baby with the people in your life? Like with your friends and family.
“Four of my close friends know. My family, absolutely not. They’re very conservative, they’d probably disown me. And I’m not about to tell just anyone in my life, only the people who I know won’t judge me. I’m not ashamed of it. [pauses] But a lot of people don’t get it.”
Is it hard keeping this a secret?
“Not really. But I don’t enjoy lying by omission to the people that I love and care about. I wish I could be open about it without the backlash, but you can’t have it all.”
You mentioned you’re currently in a committed relationship with someone who, previously, was your “sugar daddy”. Have you introduced him to the people in your life?
“My close friends know about him. Some of them, actually, met him. I still haven’t told my family. He’s in my dad’s age bracket, so I know they won’t exactly approve [of the relationship]. At least not at first. But, I’m gonna have to introduce them soon.”
How is this relationship dynamic different than the others?
“Well, first off, we live together. With the others, it was either my place or theirs. Then there is the secrecy. Like I said, I introduced him to my friends as my boyfriend and I met his friends. The other relationships, [pauses] let’s just say that I never attended any business parties with them or met anyone in their lives. It’s hard to explain, but it’s different.”
Do you feel like there was an unhealthy power dynamic in your other relationships?
“I mean I needed the money and they had it. But, I could’ve walked away at any point. I think I did a good job of setting boundaries before agreeing to enter any of the relationships. So, I would’ve walked away if I felt I had no control or say at any point.”
Would you recommend the sugar baby lifestyle to someone?
“Sure, you just have to go in not expecting it to turn out into something more [than it is]. Like a fairytale. These guys are not looking for a wife, so don’t expect them to fall in love with you. [pause] So, yes, I would recommend it to someone who is tough on the inside. I wouldn’t recommend it to you. You seem like a hopeless romantic [laughs]. It’s a good way to make money when you’re in a tough situation [financially]. You just have to remember that it’s like a job and that it’s not easy money. I mean you have to be the one who has to change your schedule [to make it work].
I got lucky. All of the men I got involved with are rich. So they could afford to pay me more than what I needed. But I hear stories about girls who become sugar babies and they’re only getting $200 [per] date or $500 a week. I think that’s why some of them [sugar babies] have 2 or 3 sugar daddies. And it takes a while to find a new man to support you.
I mean yeah, if you can handle it, go for it. But, you’ll find guys who’re married. Some will only want to meet up for sex. And if you’re not okay with that, it’ll take some time to find the kind of arrangement you’re looking for.”
*Interview transcript was edited and “Francesca” approved the edited version.
Images by Womanizer WOW Tech, Deb Kennedy, and Johann LIBOT from Unsplash.
