While there was a great deal of heartbreak, I am thankful for everything we went through together. We both learned so much from our relationship and had the chance to grow from it. I’m grateful for everything he did to help me get through some dark times and I still, dearly, care for him.
Phase One: Playful flirting
It was new and exciting. There was this mystery to it. We were at that stage of still getting to know each other. I was more into it since I was a freshman and he was a junior. Playful flirting. Everything we did was cute. He thought it was cute how I would get flustered or make weird faces/noises when embarrassed. And I thought it was cute how he spent more time than me to get ready and then asked for my opinion. If I didn’t answer quickly he’d change his shirt or shoes and ask me again.
Phase Two: Our first confrontation
We had our first confrontation. I thought that he was not reciprocating as much. I was the one, constantly, asking to hangout and coming up with date night ideas. He would say yes to everything, but he never took initiative to plan things. I started feeling like I was being clingy, and I didn’t like it. We also never hung out at parties together, we’d just meet up at the end of the night. I called him one night after he cancelled on me last minute and confronted him about it. I told him how I felt; I said that if he was not interested in being in a relationship then he should tell me, so that I’m not in the dark. He apologized and told me that he just didn’t know how to go about it because he’d never been in a relationship before.
Phase Three: All day, every day
This was our honeymoon phase. We were both taking initiative. We started these cute traditions and inside jokes. I liked waking up to notes/drawings he would leave for me in the morning when he had an early class. Our friends knew we were together. And we were affectionate in public. We’d text throughout the day and uplift each other.
Phase Four: We don’t need to be together all the time
I started needing “me time.” I was always used to being on my own. Hanging out every day and night began to take a toll on me. And the same for him. We both were not used to always being around someone.
Phase Five: Opening up
Separating our schedules helped. We were not spending every minute together, and I was fine with that. But I started sharing personal stories and my deepest secrets. I wanted us to be open with each other. To understand one another. I’d cry, and he’d hold me and reassure me. There is something about being vulnerable with someone; it just makes you start to fall in love with them. He wasn’t really into sharing much about himself, but he started to slowly open up overtime.
Phase Six: Red flags
This was when I started noticing red flags that I ignored at first. I wasn’t, and still am not, sure if it was because I felt I was being more vulnerable with him. Things he said were not adding up and were different from what I heard from others. I’m a firm believer that no one can understand your relationship as much as you and your partner, but I’m also not an idiot who is going to ignore glaring facts.
It first started when I found out he didn’t tell me about one of his previous hookups. I didn’t necessarily care about what he did prior to our relationship, but I didn’t want to be in the dark. His ex-hookup was in my friend group, and I would talk to her about us before knowing what they had. I felt embarrassed and like an idiot. Here I was opening up to this girl who clearly had feelings for him without knowing it. I was not upset with her because we weren’t close friends, we were just in the same circle, and it’s not her responsibility to come tell me. But I felt like it was his responsibility. Finding out about this, I started to wonder if there were others. I asked him why he didn’t tell me, and he said he didn’t think it mattered. I tried to explain to him why it did and eventually he told me about all of them, or at least I thought all of them. We got through it because he was honest with me and that’s what I had wanted. I know that some people don’t think it’s important to share who their exes or past sexual partners are, but it’s important to me. Especially if I’m going to be seeing them around us. And perhaps the reason why I felt it was important is because he was my first real relationship.
Phase Seven: Comfort and safety
We finally figured out how to be together. We didn’t have to verbally communicate when we needed alone time or when we needed support, we just knew. We pushed each other to succeed and to branch out of our comfort space. It was comfortable and safe. We always encouraged each other to put ourselves first. I had a tendency to forgive people who didn’t deserve my forgiveness, and he helped me see that it was okay to not let someone back into my life. He had a tendency to pick up everyone’s slack and overwork himself for the benefit of others; I encouraged him to take care of himself first. We had our arguments, but we always got through them. Some were more difficult than others, and I used to think they would be our breaking point, but we managed to resolve them.
Phase Eight: “I’m okay with you hooking up with someone else…”
He graduated, and I traveled abroad over the summer. We talked every day and missed each other, but our relationship was getting stronger. And then one of the girls on my trip confessed to me that they had a moment before our relationship. I wasn’t upset, just hurt and disappointed. Once again, I felt like an idiot. I asked him about her prior to the trip because she would always hint at things. He denied, but then when I asked him again he confessed and apologized. He said he didn’t know why he lied. I was frustrated because we had to do this over the phone. So I just asked to talk about it in person once I got back. Everything went back to normal for a week, and then out of nowhere he said “I’m okay with you hooking up with someone else while you’re abroad.” This was when I started losing feelings. I stopped calling as often and concentrated on my travels. I still loved him, but I think I was starting to fall out of love. Something about what he said didn’t sit right with me. I had all these questions with no answers. Did he say it because he cheated and now he felt guilt? Or did he want to have an open relationship now that we weren’t going to be close to each other? Or was it that he just didn’t love me anymore?
Phase Nine: Another shot
I felt guilty traveling back home. I didn’t know if I was feeling the way I was because of what he said or because of being away from each other. Meeting up felt awkward to me. We were still together, but I didn’t feel that spark anymore. I felt guilty as I tried to figure out my feelings while still being with him. I thought about breaking it off, but it didn’t feel fair. So I told myself that I had to give it another shot. I wrote down why I first fell in love with him and tried recreating those moments. I started leaving him hidden notes in his car once again and doing all the cute things we did in the beginning of our relationship. I was feeling that spark again.
Phase Ten: Missing him
It was time for me to go back to school. I was sad but also happy. I didn’t know how I’d feel without him there, but I was not about to stress about it. The first two weeks were hard. I’d go to our favorite places and feel out of place. He wasn’t there, and it didn’t feel right. I missed him. I still loved him, but I was not in love with him anymore. I felt guilty. Was I ever in love with him? Because how can someone possibly fall out of love?
Phase Eleven: Acceptance
Coming to terms with not being in love with someone, who I once thought would be my forever, was difficult. Knowing that I needed to end it and actually doing it were two different things. It happened over the phone. The day before classes started. We both cried and said that we loved each other. At first, I felt a crushing feeling in my chest and then this sense of relief. I was hurt, and so was he. But it was for the best. Perhaps it’s being young, but I don’t think that a person needs to put in so much effort to fall in love or stay in love. It should be something that naturally happens.
Phase Twelve: Understanding
At first, I didn’t wonder much about the relationship, and how or why it ended. And then I saw him a few months later. He told me he was still in love with me. That was when I realized why I fell out of love. In the beginning of our relationship, I was all in. I was the one making all the effort. I was completely open and vulnerable. I did most of the firsts. I said the first “I love you” and the first “I’m in love with you.” By the time he was ready to be completely in the relationship as much as I was, I was tired of being “the first” at everything.
Edited by Ayoko Djisseglo.
Images by Artyom Kim, We-Vibe WOW Tech, Yuvraj Singh, and Prateek Katyal from Unsplash.
